How Trauma Can Affect Our Relationships As Adults
Trauma suffered in childhood can have a tremendous impact on a client’s ability to engage in healthy adult relationships.
Terry Real, MSW, LICSW describes three parts of the psyche to help client’s understand the aftereffects of trauma and to help them relate to others from their most thoughtful, mature self.
Wounded Child
Was wounded by abuse or neglect.
- A young, vulnerable, possibly pre-verbal child
- Often overwhelmed, yet longs for connection
- Much trauma work focuses on the wounded child
- But it’s NOT usually the wounded child that brings dysfunction into adult relationships
Adaptive Child
A child’s version of an adult that developed to protect the wounded child.
- Often a perfectionist, harsh and unforgiving
- Sees the world in black and white
- An older child
- Unwilling to learn new skills
- Cares only about self-preservation
- Views intimacy as a threat
- Not only reacts to aggressor, but also identifies with aggressor
Wise Adult
Makes thoughtful decisions.
- Mature, thoughtful, nuanced, forgiving
- Based in the present
- Understands imperfection and ambiguity
- Makes sense of trauma and its impact on relationships
- Adaptable – Unlike child parts, the wise adult can learn and use new skills
- Views intimacy as a threat
- Not only reacts to aggressor, but also identifies with aggressor
According to Terry Real, MSW, LICSW, it’s usually the adaptive child that creates problems in a client’s current relationships.
To help clients engage the wise adult, we need to focus our interventions on the adaptive child
Terry Real, MSW, LICSW is the author of The New Rules of Marriage and the founder of Relational Life Therapy
Adapted from: NICABM