5 Winning Strategies for Your Relationship from Relational Life Therapy with Terry Real


Shift from Complaint to Request 

a) Learn how to speak and ask for what you want 

b) Make your requests specific, behavioral & reasonable.  

C) “what I need is…..”; “what i would like is….”


Speak to Repair with Love & Respect 

a) Contract with your partner to engage in a 10 minute dialogue or repair conversation 

b) Remember love 

c) Use the 4 steps of the feedback wheel 

What I saw & heard 

What I made up about it 

How I feel about it 

What I’d like 

d) Let go of the outcome. 


Listen With Compassion

a) Listen to understand – you don’t have to agree 

b) Acknowledge whatever you can 

c) Give whatever you can 


Empower Each Other 

a) Acknowledge the gifts the responder has offered 

b) Ask what you can do to help the responder deliver 

c) Acknowledge whatever you can & give whatever you can. 


Cherish each other 

a) Give your partner specific positive feedback & appreciations daily 

b) Nourish yourself & your relationship with time & energy 

c) Practice smart generosity 

d) Give back to the world. 


5 Losing Strategies for Your Relationship


Being Right 

a) Arguing about whose view is more accurate- fighting for your right, not collaborating with your partner

b) Fuels self-righteous indignation  


Controlling Your Partner

a) Can be direct or indirect manipulation 

b) No-one likes being controlled. It leads to retaliation & payback  


Unbridled Self-expression

a) Saying whatever is on your mind with no kindness or respect 

b) I like to call this the pile-on. Opening up your filing cabinet of all the things your partner has done wrong



a) Offending from the victim position 

b) I’ll make you feel what I feel 

c) Can be overt or covert (passive aggressive) 



a) This is different from taking a responsible time-out or responsible distance taking

b) Comes from resignation or retaliation

c) Can feel like a power move